It's been quite some time since I've even thought about this piece of shit whinefest. Much to my surprise, one year ago to the day was my last entry. My guess is that marks about the end of my everyday crying and the roommate-enforced suicide watches (yes, that is an exaggeration). So much for that, huh?
412 days from the day you left until Sunday. Now you know that not a single day went by that I didn't think about you. Nor does one now. So, in memory of you, I will officially claim this as the final post in which I spill my misery into a public forum.
I just want you to know that I loved you very much. First and foremost because you were such an amazing person. The world was such a better place because of your passion and love and honesty. What tears my heart apart is that the world did not repay you nearly enough. I am grateful that your last days were happy and sober. I spoke with you a few weeks ago because I could see that you were finally returning to David- with all of the clarity I was familiar with. Though I had minimal experience with your tormentors, I will never forget the impact that they can have on a person. If they could take such a strong force down such as yourself, the greater population should really watch out.
Although my feelings change rapidly, I am currently at peace with your passing. In large part because you will never have to suffer the pain of your addictions again, but also in a much more selfish way: now I can finally say goodbye. In those aforementioned 412 days, I had come to terms with the fact that we would never be together. Or perhaps not, it is hard to say now. Despite my awareness of this, I always thought that I would see you again. One day, our paths would cross again and we would go out to lunch and enjoy each other's company.
While I feel somewhat at peace right now, I am still enraged at the thought of what the world is missing now. What you have spent night and day creating in your newfound sobriety will be lost unless your CD is released. I promise I will write rooster a letter and see what we can do about that. All of the amazing stories that you had to tell....you really were a genius, and I truly believed you when you would say, "see? I know what's up." The world is a lesser place in your absence.
It is incredibly difficult to explain or understand my place right now. I am continually torn by the peace I feel to know that you can finally rest and the deafening pain I feel in your loss. To wake up and find that this is in fact true is so painful I wish it upon no one. The sorrow in my heart is tenfold it was when you left a year ago. My desire to scream is stifled only by the lack of air in my lungs. In a more perfect world, I would have been older when we met. Perhaps then things would have been different. Perhaps then I could have saved you.
I will try my best to stay afloat when my boat is filling with lost possibilities. I cannot change what has been; I can only learn from the amazing part of me that you've become. I will live every day with the spirit and passion that you lived by. You think you're crazier than me, well you're not. I believe.
With all of this, I conclude my last public testimony of my time with you.
I promise that you will not be forgotten.
May you rest in peace, Mr. Reilly.
We regretted being far apart, but I know that one day we will be able to catch up in person like we had wished.
I will always love you.
xoxo.karen